Hello lovelies!
So, it's the end of another long day in the camp world and things are just starting to wind down.
We have a new addition to the team!!! She will be the Grad Assistant for the next 2ish years and she's pretty awesome. She played ball at a D2 school up near where I am from, and she knows all kinds a fun things and is already starting to teach us. Tonight she took a bunch of us over to a nearby school to play some pickup with some D2 kids. It was really hard to remember that I am the same age as some, but older than a lot of them. That's difficult when I am a mere 5'8" and play a post and their guards are over 6' tall. They were simply bigger, faster, stronger, and more naturally talented that I will ever be. I just felt so inadequate. It wasn't super fun...in fact, it kind of sucked.
That whole thing really got me thinking...what if I had put in more effort when I was younger. What if I had played on better teams, had better coaches and played against better kids growing up. What if I had spent more time during the summer working on my shot, my dribbling skills and my defense. What would have happened if I had listened better, ran faster, and didn't give up so easily. What kind of player could I be. These are the things running through my head as I am playing against these girls.
It's so hard not to play the "what if" game as I enter my senior year of college. I really wish I had done a lot of things differently. I wish I had been a better student, a better friend, a better teammate, a better daughter. It's really hard not to let my mind spiral down to a really nasty place. I really wish things were different sometimes. I know I have gifts and talents, but sometimes I don't like what I have...I want something different and better.
I'm not at a place right now where I can end this post on a super happy positive note. Not that I am depressed or anything, I am just ok with not being super content right now. And I believe that there is a place for that.
So with that, I wish all of you a lovely night.
Love to all,
L
Ok so I know this is going to sound totally cliche but "everything happens for a reason" ya I know what you're thinking, haha but seriously I've had many
ReplyDeletedays where I've had my "what if..." thoughts and it honestly helps me if I remind myself of that one little quote. You are right in that it is ok to think about what ifs... It helps us make decisions in our future and makes us think more so that we will work towards having fewer what ifs later in life. But just remember you are exactly where you are supposed to be... It just makes the "what ifs..." and lite more bearable....
:-)
Hope this helps... Also wanted to say that i really enjoy reading your blog... Pretty cool to see the sweet and very smart young lady you've become from the little girl I used to babysit! :-) keep smiling!
-Nikki
Oh, that "what if" place! Been there, done that. Totes know where you're coming from, chickie. It's an icky place. Eew.
ReplyDeleteBut just remember...
you are so much more than your ability to do free throws and dribble, so much more than what team you play on, so much more than any what if you ask yourself on being a better student or daughter or teammate or friend.
YOU ARE A DAUGHTER OF THE KING OF KINGS! And that's all that matters :) You possess what so many others wish they could have, yet struggle finding it.
Never forget that, beautiful friend! Love you :)